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Do You Like Chapter 1 of the Sory I Am Writing?

Posted by silverrounder in Silver Round FAQ, tags: , , ,

Question by say wacha want: Do you like chapter 1 of the sory I am writing?
I'm 13 years old by the way.. Tell me what you think. (I haven't edited it yet so don't get mad at me :P )

Raquel Martinez was the most popular girl at Braxton Middle School and she was talking to me. She swayed her long pin-straight black hair behind her neck, as if it were in her face. Her long tan legs stretched out of her cute denim booty shorts. A posy of popular seventh graders stood beside her like body guards. I tried my best to listen to what she was saying out of her perky glossed lips, but the thought of her actually talking to me, made it hard to pay attention.
“…And that’s why we want you to come over after school today.” Raquel said starring in to my round hazel eyes with a slight smile on her face.
“Me? To your house? Wow, I--I don’t know what to s--”
“Cool, so we’ll see you at six tonight. 87 Briar Lake Ave.”
I opened my mouth to speak but words didn’t come out. I was too shocked to even utter a word. The girls turned their backs all at once and left me in the middle of the empty hallway, listening to the tap of their heels, walking away.
The final bell rang and I raced down the narrow hallways of BMS to see my science teacher, Mr. Brady, (an old, cranky man who clearly didn’t enjoy the presence of kids) closing his classroom door in my face. I lifted my index finger up in to the air and wanted to scream at him for closing his door on me, but instead I grabbed a hold of the silver door knob and slowly opened the door. By now, he was in front of the classroom acting as if he had been teaching the lesson forever.
“Nice of you to join us Ms. Couture.” He said. The entire class stared at me as if whiskers were growing off my face and I saw my best friend Laura with a different lab partner. There was no where for me to sit and I couldn’t stand the sight of twenty five students and a teacher staring at me as if looking through me.
Mr. Brady continued the lesson about formulas while I stood standing, nervously. I gave Laura a help-me-I-don’t-know-what-to-do-look but she continued fiddling with the beakers that were placed on her lab desk. Lance Sullivan, a curly brown-haired boy gave me a slight smile and pulled out the chair beside him. I returned the smile and made my way to the back of the classroom.
“Thanks, Lance.” I whispered to him.
“No prob, Celina.” He replied starring forward at Mr. Brady, so it wouldn’t look like we were talking.
Then, finally, we made eye contact and there I noticed for the very first time, that Lance had the cutest face and dark blue eyes. His shaggy brown hair fell in his face making his clean-cut outer appearance look a little more… messy.
“Instead of starring at Lance, Ms. Couture, how about you tell the class about the formula I just explained.” Mr. Brady interrupted our deep gaze! Damn him.
I sighed. “Well, Mr. Brady, you just explained… um something in which I have no interest in.” I felt proud of myself for stepping out of my shell and I could tell the class was proud of me also. Giggles and “Go Celina’s” came out of the classroom.
Mr. Brady‘s sudden stern glare caught me off guard. “Well I have no interest in keeping you in my class if you aren’t willing to learn. So please grab your belongings and leave. Anyone else who decides to make a rude comment can do so as well.”
The entire class was quiet and my jaw dropped. “You can’t be serious?” I said, but my voice was barely a whisper. Mr. Brady looked at me, his hands folded against his chest. Rolling my eyes I grabbed my handbag. Lance shrugged and gave me a small pat on the back. I smiled, and headed toward the door.
“I swear, it’s society.” Mr. Brady mumbled as I opened the classroom door to leave the prison. I took one last peek at Laura and she gave me a puzzled look. I looked at Lance and he gave me a smile. As much as I liked his cute dimples and pearly white teeth. I didn’t like how Laura was acting. Something wasn’t ticking.

Best answer:

Answer by Sophie
i only read the first paragraph..

its a small sentence after the other... i suggest you change that. make sentences longer with semi columns and commas just like the last sentence in that paragraph.

add more detail about the girl.

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

Originally posted 2010-09-01 10:17:03. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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2 Responses to “Do You Like Chapter 1 of the Sory I Am Writing?”
  1. ? says:
    at

    That’s incredibly awful.
    Don’t try to write, it’s an embarrassment…
    “Her booty shorts?”
    Really?
    What are you, some kind of brain-dead, ‘The Hills’ watching twelve year old?

    Just sayin’.

  2. Lynci says:
    at

    I must admit that I wasn’t particularly hopeful when I began to read your story that I’d be able read all of it, that I would be interested enough in your story to see it through, but I did enjoy it! I think that you have an intriguing beginning to a potentially compelling story. Continue writing if you have your plot thoroughly planned. You’ve introduced several “hooks” in what you’ve introduced: the inivitation from Raquel, your protagonist’s being ejected from class, the problem with Laura, and Lance (the prospective love interest?). Please, DO NOT make any of your characters vampires; just write an imaginative middle school story with some original twists, if you can do that. You write quite well for your age. There are a few comments I want to add: Where you used the word posy, I think that the word that you want is posse (a group of attendants), and, when you write dialogue, you need to isolate each instance of any character’s speaking into a separate paragraph; I realize that you can not indent here on Answers, so it is difficult to tell whether or not you’ve actually done the preceding, but for your reference, I thought I’d mention it. Anyway, I do think that you should try writing your envisioned story in its entirety; see how it goes. If it never becomes published or a best seller, the experience of writing a complete novel or story will be great practice for you. You may have writing talent which will benefit from your developing it! Good luck!

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